Quotes of the Week from Scandal, Arrow, Brooklyn Nine-Nine and More 

my girlfriend, I would come and meet your dad, even your dad who threw me in a hole and tortured me…. but you are not my girlfriend, so no.”

— Just the idea of breaking bread with Olivia\'s father aka Command gives Jake (Scott Foley) heartburn

"Satan has made me afflicted with a very powerful attraction to men. But don\'t worry, because I have decided to attend a Christian retreat where they can cure homosexuality. I\'ll do whatever it takes to keep this family together, even if it means spending hours of repentance with other wayward men."

—​Lissa\'s dad (Tuc Watkins) finally comes out... and couldn\'t be any less convincing

"I look at you and I see a stunning physical specimen. It\'s like you were created in a lab full of gay scientists."

— Schmidt (Max Greenfield), waxing poetic about Coach\'s (Damon Wayans Jr) body

"We\'re all alone now, toilet. No one can hear you scream."

— Eric Cartman (Trey Parker) prepares to commit an unspeakable act in his new, private bathroom

"My friends just had a baby, so if you don\'t mind, there\'s another slimy, little human that needs my attention."

— Felicity (Emily Bett Rickards) dismissing Ray Palmer (Brandon Routh) after he used her to steal Oliver\'s (Stephen Amell) company

‎"The booze might sort of help with the whole--"

"The alcohol is not going to mix well with the three Benzos I took."

— Oliver (Stephen Amell) wonders if some liquor might soothe Felicity\'s (Emily Bett Rickards) first-date jitters

"Yeah, but people like it when a man\'s crazy. We have recordings of Christian Bale screaming like a lunatic, and people are impressed. They\'re like, \'Oh my God, he\'s so passionate about his process!\' Meanwhile, there is a

that Katherine Heigl is difficult, and she\'s, like, dead."

— Jane (Nasim Pedrad), explaining to Motif (Seaton Smith) and John (John Mulaney) an unfair difference between how men and women are viewed

— Castle — played by Canadian Nathan Fillion — scoffs at Beckett\'s concern about his trip to Montreal

"We weren\'t able to do the procedure. Your friend is so large..."

— Peralta (Andy Samberg), funamentally misunderstanding the reason for a delay in Terry\'s (Terry Crews) vasectomy

"I\'ve had it up to here with cadavers. To be honest, if i never see another dead body again, it\'ll be too soon."

— Young Ducky (guest star Adam Campbell) is, eventually, in for a rude awakening

— Will (Chris Carmack) equating apples and oranges during a fight with Layla

“I\'ve been in this book club for three years and she gets a

— Brynn (Allyn Rachel) and her book club buds have a very specific reaction when Henry interrupts to talk to Eliza

"I\'m Catholic. Even if I think about that —"

— Mindy (Mindy Kaling) skewers her highly religious boyfriend Danny (Chris Messina) for trying to pretend his adventurousness in bed was an accident

“Second. The first was with Coulson and Lola…. It\'s a car. It… flies. Yeah, this is my first jump.”

— Lance (Nick Blood) makes sure Skye (Chloe Bennett) is ready to hit the sky

"If anyone can mourn and murder at the same time, it\'s him."

— Marcel (Charles Michael Davis) is confused about why Klaus (Joseph Morgan) hasn\'t struck back against his enemies for killing his daughter -- while shirtless, of course

"They\'re always there, lying in wait because I feel. So. Deeply."

— Beverly (Wendi McLendon-Covey) turns on the waterworks to get Murray (Jeff Garlin) to agree to renew their vows

"Every time a Groupon expires, a kitten dies."

— ​Laura (Debra Messing) laments having to sacrifice her day off

"Let\'s get something straight. I don\'t want you to say one word about my daughter. I don\'t want you to say her name. I don\'t even want you to think about her around me."

— Sheriff Langston (Matt Craven), giving Bellamy (Omar Epps) some very strict guidelines about how to proceed with Maggie (Devin Kelley)

“If it wasn\'t a wedding, they\'d say it was a mosque that we hit, or an orphanage…. Or a mosque for orphans.”

— Carrie (Claire Danes) shrugs off media reports that a covert bombing run was a legit party crasher.

"Come on, Joe, you can\'t be afraid. What if Bono had been afraid to wear sunglasses? Then nobody would know about Africa!"

— Peter (Seth MacFarlane) giving one of his classic, misguided pep talks

“You have survived your entire life without light bulbs.

— De facto mayor Mary Margaret\'s (Ginnifer Goodwin) fuse runs short when dealing with the blackout-bemoaning Dwarves.

"\'Allowed\' her? She\'s 1) a grown woman, 2) a witch, 3) a redhead. You couldn\'t have stopped her if you tried."

— Abbie (Nicole Beharie) corrects Ichabod (Tom Mison) when he asks whether he should have "allowed" wife Katrina (Katia Winter) to remain a prisoner of the Headless Horseman

"I know about homosexuals, thank you. I trained under Baron von Steuben. His affections for his own sex were well known. Also, I watched the finale of Glee."

— Ichabod\'s (Tom Mison) exposure to gay culture spans centuries

"Oh, darling, it\'s on the house. Stars never pay.”

— Elsa (Jessica Lange), to the diner waitress who made the mistake of asking her to settle up

"I hooked up with pretty much all the hot boys at boarding school, if it makes you feel better. Also, I barely remember what his penis looks like. Wait. No. I still do."

— Connor (Jack Falahee), torments Michaela (Aja Naomi King), over the fact that he had a teenage dalliance years ago with her current fiancé

"If you\'re planning on eating Mexican tonight, you\'re gonna choke, I promise you that.”

—Gus (Miguel Gomez) mistakes Quinlan for a typical blood-thirsty strigoi

"We haven\'t fought like that since I outed your GI Joes."

"You had to bring that back up. Gung-Ho and Snow Job were

"It was the height of Don\'t Ask, Don\'t Tell. You\'d be surprised."

—BFFs Liam (Gregg Sulkin) and Shane (Michael J. Willett) make-up after a fight

"You can keep your brooding, ass-aholic, big-city cop act to yourself!

— Ellie (Anna Gunn), offering explosive feedback — with a stiffly polite kicker — to new boss Carver (David Tennant)

"For the record, guys don\'t get over me. At last count, I have three stalkers. One of them has my face spray-painted on his van. I had to stand there forever as he did it!"

—Haley (Sarah Hyland) debates with Andy ‎(yes, Andy) which of them is a bigger heartbreaker