'Reign' premiere recap: 'With Friends Like These' 

Our three favorite queens are back in action, doing what they do best: wearing gorgeous gowns, plotting for power, and straight-up murdering people.

Reign season 4 wastes no time in reminding us why we love this nutball show: queens dressing down people who are beneath them and anything that Catherine does. It also quickly reminds us of some of its problems, like all the talk (so much talk!) about religious alliances. Less talk, more action, Reign. We’re coming to the end, so let’s make these last few episodes as outrageous and wonderful as possible.

Speaking of the end, it’ll be interesting to see how Reign wraps up this whole shebang. As history tells us, Mary meets her demise at Elizabeth’s hand at a much later time than where the series currently is. Reign hasn’t always felt the need to stick to the history books, though, so maybe they’ll take some license and Mary, Elizabeth, and Catherine will sail off into the sunset together singing some 1500s version of “You Don’t Own Me.” Hey, a girl can dream.

As it stands now, our three queens are all attempting to stay in power in their respective countries. Let’s check in.

Over in Scotland, Mary is quickly learning that life in the homeland might be even more dangerous than in France — and that place had ladies being humped out of windows! Mary doesn’t know who she can trust. Bash has run off with the Druids (typical Bash), and Gideon has returned to his post next to Queen Elizabeth. Mary’s brother seems okay — he teaches her some sweet sword moves — but Mary knows he’s playing all sides. He’s very chummy with John Knox. Remember him? Protestant leader and hardcore misogynist who came up with the plan to trick Lola into thinking Mary had ordered the assassination of Elizabeth, which ended up getting Lola beheaded and making the rivalry between the two queens very, very personal? Yeah, that guy. We don’t like that guy.

So Mary takes James’ advice with a grain of salt. She knows she needs to marry again in order to gain some momentum in her attempt to take Elizabeth’s throne. She’s considering Lord Darnley. He’s another Catholic with a legitimate claim to the throne, and he has lots of English allies. James warns against the match: A Catholic king would infuriate protestants like John Knox. Knox would turn the country against her. James thinks Mary should concentrate on uniting all the Scottish clans behind her and using them to overthrow Elizabeth. Mary’s all like, “Yeah sure, whatever, James” and gets back to her swashbuckling.

Turns out, James is right about the clans being important players in the quest for power. Clan Gordon (Catholics from the north) drugs Mary via communion wafer while she attends Lola’s funeral (oh, hi, Greer!), and when she leaves by herself, they kidnap her using her very own carriage. Why the Queen of Scotland doesn’t have more guards around her remains a mystery. When she comes to, the Earl of Clan Gordon informs her that she’ll need the protection of a Catholic clan and in order to gain that protection, Mary will be marrying his son, George.

It’s not just Clan Gordon who’s concerned with Mary’s next husband — it’s also of great interest to Queen Elizabeth. Liz, still under the impression that Mary really did plan that attempt on her life, is looking to stop her cousin’s campaign for England, permanently. So when she hears rumors that Mary is looking to marry Darnley, the gal is on high alert. A union between two people with claims, who have the support of Rome? No, thank you. Liz is so desperate to keep Darnley away from Mary that after a meeting with Darnley’s mother, Lady Lennox (she’s a Catherine-in-training, if you will), goes awry, Liz puts all of her best men to the task of finding and bringing Darnley to court. She’ll have him dragged there on his knees, if need be.

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